By the end of the week, I should find out when exactly it is that I leave for Belém. My emotions are all over the place- bouncing from panic to excitement to fear and to everything in between as I try to mentally and physically prepare.
Mom and I made a fast trip to Billings so I could procure items that you can't find easily or cheaply in Belém...or Glendive for that matter. I stocked up on stick deodorant (my students will thank me), my favorite face washes, razor blades, beautifying products, classroom decorations...which reminds me that I forgot to look for smelly markers! Bah!
And now I have begun to pack a little bit. The process stirs up emotions that were talked about during the pre-field orientation that I went to early this summer. Along with about 120 other individuals getting ready to teach internationally in fifteen countries, I learned about transitioning. Transitions are interesting creatures. They can give us hope for the future, while leaving us grieving for people, places, and things left behind. I have definitely been feeling overwhelmed with the grief of things about to be lost- especially the loss of my "comfort zone."
Several friends and I joke that I am bad about taking risks. It's not that I don't like adventure. I do. I am more liable to take very calculated risks, though (name that personality PFO friends!). Moving to a whole new country and teaching a whole new grade is a risk that is completely out of my normal risk-taking realm. If I had the choice, I would only be making one major change. Preferably, either I would teach a familiar grade in a new country or, teach a new grade in a familiar country. That's not what is happening, though. I'm getting a double dose of change!
I was once given a mental picture by my campus pastor. He said that it's like I'm riding in a convertible with God and I keep trying to drive. I just need to relax in the passenger seat and enjoy the drive.
Right now, it feels like I'm in the passenger seat (which is progress), but I'm terrified because I don't know where we are going, what it is going to look like, if I'm going to like it, if I'll come out on the other side happy with the year. Notice all the "I's." I, I , I , I.
A friend recently posted an article in a psych magazine that stated that when we come to the moment of big change in our lives, we tend to become pessimistic. When the change is far away yet, we are optimistic. But as the time comes nearer, our spirits tend to see things more negatively. The article resonated with me, whether it is true or not for most people.
I've wanted to do missions/ministry for a while and to go share Jesus in a deliberate manner. I was excited when the opportunity to teach overseas opened up. Now that I have that chance and the time is drawing near, I'm fairly petrified. My faith is not quite as strong as I thought. I'm getting stuck on me, when it's not about me.
God says He has good plans for us (Jeremiah 29:11). He also says that He goes before us and behind us and tells us which way to go and will be with us always (Deuteronomy 31:8; Psalm 139:5). I am going to be okay, no matter what. I just need to "trust and obey." I'm in the passenger seat and we are going faster than I would like. But this is a refining moment, a defining moment. I can chose to curl up in a ball and flounder in the waves, or I can chose to keep my eyes on Jesus, trust Him whole-heartedly and walk on the waves. I'm working on trusting because that's definitely the better option.
What's your favorite thing to do when you are struggling to trust God with the changes in life? Do you trust Him with change?
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