Monday marked the beginning of the fourth quarter of the 2012-2013 school year. Next week marks my sixth month of teaching. Time has flown and I have grown as a teacher. Though I have grown, I continue to realize that I really know next to nothing about my profession. There are always better ways to teach everything, and better ways to address the standards that I am doing my best to cover.
As I realize that I am entering the final two months of the school year, I find myself wanting to "coast" through the rest of the year, especially since we have covered nearly all of the letters of the alphabet in depth. I have to keep reminding myself that I cannot do that. Coasting through the rest of the year would be a major disservice to my students and would hurt their academic careers next year and in the subsequent years. Call it spring fever, a perpetual case of senioritis, whatever, it is a dangerous desire. I am having to frequently remind myself that I cannot ease off on instruction. I will persevere and, by golly, I might still get a bit more information into their little brains before the end of May!
Since my senior year of high school, I have routinely struggled with a sense of apathy around this time of year- a "I just want to be done" feeling. I have to be honest; summer is my favorite season of the year. My responsibilities during the summer change. For some reason, they don't seem as stressful as the responsibilities I have during the academic year. I have more freedom to pursue my favorite hobbies and activities (which are largely outdoor-related). I tend to enjoy the heat...all around, summer is very enjoyable to me.
Back to my sense of apathy. This happens in my spiritual life from time to time, also. Every now and again, I hit a plateau, of sorts. I reach a point of growth that requires a huge leap to reach the next level and sometimes...I'm not ready for it yet. Or perhaps, I just think I am not...probably depends on the situation. But, anyways, I hit that point and I start to feel like I'm not going anywhere- like I am going to be stuck there forever. Sometimes, I persevere for a time, but after a while, my determination fizzles. I get frustrated with myself and then with God for not just giving me a push or making it easy. Then, I go back to being frustrated with myself for being impatient and not trusting the Mastermind of the Universe to mold me in a "timely" manner. Usually, I eventually let God give me strength to let Him keep picking at the issue until I relent and let Him fix it.
I am definitely my own worst enemy and hold up my own growth. The reason usually comes down to fear and pride. For some silly reason I'm afraid of letting go of part of the "old" me, afraid of what God is going to require of me, or am too prideful to admit my own flaws to myself and others. Often, I just don't think about what is bugging me because I am afraid of what I will find upon reflection. I pretend to be apathetic. I know that's not healthy, but it's one more of those character flaws I don't feel like tackling yet because I know it will be hard and messy.
Where am I going with this? Of late, God has been speaking to my heart about these periods of slow-moving growth. He's been sharing with me that growth is a process, and that the process brings more growth than any other method of learning. Sometimes the process is quick, but more often, it's slow. We usually come out of the process with more than one lesson, thus changing us in multiple ways, too.
Romans 5:3-4 says, "We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation."
There you have it. The process of growing in our faith develops endurance, character, and most importantly it strengthens our confidence in God and His salvation. Romans 5:3 & 4 gives me hope that even though I feel like my faith is growing at a snail's pace, I AM growing. God is developing endurance, character, and confidence in Him. When I look back at previous seasons of slow growth, I can see that God was preparing me for this season and more.
Each time I go through a slow process, I come out more ready for the next one. I handle it better by relying on God more and remembering how He brought me through the other seasons. My remembrance of God's past faithfulness gives me hope in present and future seasons of trial. I find it so neat that I can see those verses in Romans at work in my own life.
Our walk with God is compared to a race in Hebrews 12:1 and 1 Corinthians 9:24. An old adage says, "Slow and steady wins the race." I am definitely running the race slowly most of the time, although not always so steadily. I nearly come to a stop sometimes when the going gets toughest. The going is slow, but the slow IS going, and I have confident hope in my salvation. In the words of a beloved Sunday School song, I fully believe that "He's still working on me."
