Life after college can be described as weird, hard, and full of potential. I no longer have a weird schedule to work around. Because I was unsure of my plans, I am once again living with my parents. I love them, but it's hard to for me to want to invite people over because it's not MY house. I find I don't know what to do with my spare time. So I've taken up guitar, which is kind of fun. I kind of feel like I am like Alice from the Johnny Depp version of Alice in Wonderland. I don't really quite know who I am right now. I'm sort of Breann, but I would really like to be completely "Breann."
While classes, and the work that went with them, were inconvenient, the amount of time available for social purposes made it all completely worth it. I made so many close friends that I will always cherish with deep affection. I affectionately call them my "Bozeman family." Going back to visit pains me because I miss them all so much and I know that I have to leave them again. I am also always torn because I am unable to catch up with all of them in the short time my visits provide. I love them all so much and I hope they know that I hate choosing which ones to hang out with each time I make that ridiculously long journey.
Now that I have finished college, I have been plagued with the same issue that many before me have faced. Do I want to get a job that is in line with my major or do I want to get into a completely different field? Do I maybe want to use this time to do missions? How would I fund that? If I don't get a job how will I pay back my student loans for which the grace period is nearly up? (I have been subbing, but accepted a kindergarten position today...I am going to need lots of prayer!)
I am kind of funny, in that, when I think about a job, I always picture myself being stuck in one job for the rest of my career. Then, I am immediately concerned with the scenario of hating my job and being stuck. For whatever reason, I have a really hard time convincing myself that if it so happens that I hate my job, I can, in fact, get out. This is similar to how I often put God in a box. I often do not realize that I am making my decisions and planning as if God does not have control of my destiny. Even worse, I seem to have a hard time believing that He really does have a GOOD plan for me. My head knows that God is good and loving and that He doesn't have plans to harm me, but my heart doesn't believe it. Something deep within is petrified that what is good for God's purpose and plan may actually suck for me as a human being.
If I am honest, I am a weanie. I hate suffering...hate being sick, hate getting my feelings hurt, hate being out of my comfort zone, hate sudden change...you get the picture. I am supposed to count it all joy, gosh dangit! I just want to beat my flesh to a pulp and tell it to get lost. My Jesus LOVES me, has a BETTER plan than I can come up with and my flesh needs to accept and embrace that fact. My soul cries out for a life placed completely in the hands of its Maker. I don't like knowing what my problem is and not knowing how to fix it. I need my head-knowledge to become heart-knowledge. Digging into the Word and spending time with El Roi is always an excellent plan. In my devotions last night, I realized that I am just like the Israelites. I keep on forgetting the miracles God has done for me, the prayers He has answered and how good He has been.
A week ago today, I headed up to Bozeman on my way to one of my best friend's wedding. I kind of whined to God that I was really tired of sleeping on people's floors and couches. I then asked if maybe I could sleep on beds most of the trip. My Father is so awesome that I never once slept on a floor or couch. I was so thankful. But then I turned around and freaked out about whether or not I had screwed up my interview. This afternoon, I had myself almost convinced that I had not gotten the kindergarten position. I started worrying about my future all over again, as if I was in control! God once again showed me my error when I received the phone call that the school was offering me the position. Grace. Mercy. Love. An understanding of my flaws. Direction. Peace. It's all so good and reassures me that I do not have to be in control and that what I need to do is trust.
How is your peace? Are you trusting God to lay out your future? Are you allowing Him to move in your life? What's holding you back? I'd love to pray for you! Leave a comment or be sure to email me!
