Life Lessons

  As of November 1st, I have been teaching for a whole month. I'm not exactly sure where the time has gone, but it definitely went somewhere! Although the days now seem to have flown away, while I was in the middle of each, it seemed as though they were extra long. I am learning a lot about teaching, about people, and about myself.

  I know everyone says the first year of teaching is hard and while I believed them, it has been even harder than I ever imagined. First of all, setting up a classroom with pieced together supplies is crazy. By the end of the experience (i.e. two days), my mom and fellow teachers would ask me what I needed/where I wanted things and I couldn't even tell them because I was so zombified. Secondly, kindergarten is the first experience kids have with school, these kids do not know what acceptable classroom behavior is. My class is made up of kids that started their first six weeks with another teacher. New classroom, new classmates, new teacher, new routine, new rules...it's enough to make even an adult's head spin for a while. So we are still trying to work out all the kinks and get used to each other and it's pretty chaotic and frustrating for me. I'm finding that my classroom management skills are even worse than I had previously suspected, which is fairly disheartening.

   I have also learned that even though I grew up learning that we humans are sinful from birth, I did not necessarily fully believe that fact. I kind of thought that kids were sort of like blank slates in many ways and that if guided and taught well, they would likely turn out to be respectful and generally mean well. I see now that this is not necessarily the case. A kid could have the best parents ever and still end up the worst person ever. Reminds me of how we have the best Dad ever and how we don't always listen to His guidance and sometimes ignore His discipline.

   Another truth I am beginning to understand better is that my life has been incredibly blessed and I have been protected from a lot. In fact, I have been so protected from hardship that I am finding that I do not have the skills to handle it well when it comes along. What's even worse is that my "hardships" are nothing compared to many people's every day issues.
 
   God has been telling me that I need to count it all joy. During His time as a human, Jesus did not exactly have a super easy life. First thing after he was born,  Herod was trying to get him, then the Pharisees later on in life. He lived in constant danger and on top of it, he knew that he was going to endure a horrible death.  Yet, he faithfully served his purpose to love on people and to share with them the Father's love. "A man hath no greater love than this, that he should lay his life down for his friend." God may not be specifically asking me to literally die for those around me, but He is asking me to die to my own frustrated, weary, self-centered feelings. I must CHOSE joy, put myself aside and reach out to my students, coworkers, and everyone else I come in contact with.

   One last lesson that God has been pressing on my heart is that as a part of the body of Christ, I do not function well without the other parts. It's like bones trying to move without tendons and muscles and nerves, etc. It doesn't work very well. In college, I had the privilege of being in almost constant fellowship with  other believers. When I would read about the church in Acts, the similarities between the group in Acts and the group I was with were many. Now that I am back home, I do not have that fellowship. I find that my faith is not quite as strong; I'm more apt to be lack with my prayer life; and I just don't live as boldly for my Savior. Have you ever noticed that Jesus spent a great amount of time with His followers? And when you read about the church in Acts, they also spent a large amount of time with each other. This whole "go to church on Sunday and leave immediately" routine that I've fallen into feels like it is slowly draining the life out of me. Just as I am starting to feel recharged from worship and the sermon, POOF!, it's time to go home and get on with the rest of my life. It leaves me feeling bewildered, confused, and a bit disgusted. I think it is because deep down, the Holy Spirit tells me there is MORE to be had. My problem is now to BE the change I want to see. I am so exhausted from working 50-60 hours a week that all I want to do is go home and vegetate. I have been praying for the will-power to overcome my selfishness, but it's an uphill battle (but isn't it always?). The good thing about going uphill is that I have a God who can move mountains. So maybe I'm just making mountains out of molehills? :)
  May your days be blessed and your nights full of praise!

Life Post-College

  Life after college can be described as weird, hard, and full of potential. I no longer have a weird schedule to work around. Because I was unsure of my plans, I am once again living with my parents. I love them, but it's hard to for me to want to invite people over because it's not MY house. I find I don't know what to do with my spare time. So I've taken up guitar, which is kind of fun. I kind of feel like I am like Alice from the Johnny Depp version of Alice in Wonderland. I don't really quite know who I am right now. I'm sort of Breann, but I would really like to be completely "Breann."
   While classes, and the work that went with them, were inconvenient, the amount of time available for social purposes made it all completely worth it. I made so many close friends that I will always cherish with deep affection. I affectionately call them my "Bozeman family." Going back to visit pains me because I miss them all so much and I know that I have to leave them again. I am also always torn because I am unable to catch up with all of them in the short time my visits provide. I love them all so much and I hope they know that I hate choosing which ones to hang out with each time I make that ridiculously long journey.
  Now that I have finished college, I have been plagued with the same issue that many before me have faced. Do I want to get a job that is in line with my major or do I want to get into a completely different field? Do I maybe want to use this time to do missions? How would I fund that? If I don't get a job how will I pay back my student loans for which the grace period is nearly up? (I have been subbing, but accepted a kindergarten position today...I am going to need lots of prayer!)
   I am kind of funny, in that, when I think about a job, I always picture myself being stuck in one job for the rest of my career. Then, I am immediately concerned with the scenario of hating my job and being stuck. For whatever reason, I have a really hard time convincing myself that if it so happens that I hate my job, I can, in fact, get out. This is similar to how I often put God in a box. I often do not realize that I am making my decisions and planning as if God does not have control of my destiny. Even worse, I seem to have a hard time believing that He really does have a GOOD plan for me. My head knows that God is good and loving and that He doesn't have plans to harm me, but my heart doesn't believe it. Something deep within is petrified that what is good for God's purpose and plan may actually suck for me as a human being.
   If I am honest, I am a weanie. I hate suffering...hate being sick, hate getting my feelings hurt, hate being out of my comfort zone, hate sudden change...you get the picture. I am supposed to count it all joy, gosh dangit! I just want to beat my flesh to a pulp and tell it to get lost. My Jesus LOVES me, has a BETTER plan than I can come up with and my flesh needs to accept and embrace that fact. My soul cries out for a life placed completely in the hands of its Maker. I don't like knowing what my problem is and not knowing how to fix it. I need my head-knowledge to become heart-knowledge.  Digging into the Word and spending time with El Roi is always an excellent plan. In my devotions last night, I realized that I am just like the Israelites. I keep on forgetting the miracles God has done for me, the prayers He has answered and how good He has been.
    A week ago today, I headed up to Bozeman on my way to one of my best friend's wedding. I kind of whined to God that I was really tired of sleeping on people's floors and couches. I then asked if maybe I could sleep on beds most of the trip. My Father is so awesome that I never once slept on a floor or couch. I was so thankful. But then I turned around and freaked out about whether or not I had screwed up my interview. This afternoon, I had myself almost convinced that I had not gotten the kindergarten position. I started worrying about my future all over again, as if I was in control! God once again showed me my error when I received the phone call that the school was offering me the position. Grace. Mercy. Love. An understanding of my flaws. Direction. Peace. It's all so good and reassures me that I do not have to be in control and that what I need to do is trust.
   How is your peace? Are you trusting God to lay out your future? Are you allowing Him to move in your life? What's holding you back? I'd love to pray for you! Leave a comment or be sure to email me!

Psalms: Then & Now

The Psalms are one of my favorite books in the Bible. The authors are not afraid to tell God how they really feel, even if they know what they are feeling isn't really true. What makes this so neat is that God cares about how we feel, even if it is misguided. He wants to us to be truthful with Him and to share with Him EVERYTHING. So if we don't like His timing,  if we're angry at Him, or we are overcome with joy in His presence, He is okay with us telling Him- He can handle whatever we throw at Him, because, well, He's God.

One of the really cool traits of the psalms is that many of them are simply songs of praise to our magnificent and loving God. Also, many start out as prayers of desperation and end in songs of praise. Often the authors begin to remember that the God they are crying out to has saved them before and is much greater than the trial that is currently overwhelming them.

In my own life, I find that it is usually easier for me to be completely honest with God by writing out my prayers. Sometimes I go back and read what I have written. When I do so, I often find that my prayers are similar to the psalms. I cry and lament, and then many times I end up reminding myself Who it is that I am praying to and what He has done for me in the past. Maybe I'm weird, but the similarity fascinates me. It also tells me that God has been handling human fickleness a lot longer than I have been around. Although it has to be somewhat irritating to keep teaching His followers the same lessons over and over, He continues to do so with more love than any of us possess. "My Child, my timing is perfect." "Dear One, I see your pain. I am here and will protect you." "I know you are angry, My Love, but it will be okay. You will one day see why this has happened." "Oh, My Precious One, see how the actions of others have clouded your perception of me? I will never cause you that kind of pain." So much patience and love....for every single person on the planet! It is so incredible to me.

Haha, I've gotten slightly off topic. God is so good, it is hard not to praise Him. So I will leave you with a prayer I found when I went back and looked through my journal. I wrote it in a form similar to the psalms. :)

Praise Him, all you people!
Praise Him, all the earth!
His ways are excellent,
His love, unfathomable.
He knows my every fear,
and yet He never leaves me.
He knows my doubts,
but protects me even more.
He loves me as His Daughter.
He loves me as His Bride.
How can I express the depth
of my gratitude and love?
You, O God, are my Rock and my Shield.
Only You can satisfy my soul,
Only You know my every thought and dream.
Day and night, my heart and soul cry out for You.
Tell me the things I should say and do.
Make me like You. Give me your heart, Father-
A heart that cries for the nations; for the people closest to me.
Give me the strength to love and the will to see them as You do.
Praise Him, all you people!
Praise Him, all you nations!
Praise His Name forever!

To Be As Clay

It’s official! I am now a graduate of Montana State University-Bozeman with a Bachelor of Science in Elementary Education. The week after graduation, I came home and subbed several days. After subbing in the middle school, I have decided that the lesson planning would be much easier, but I would not be able to handle the students. The poor kids are so awkward, haha. It helps me better understand myself at that age. I also feel sorry for my parents.

                Anyways, I then went to China for two and a half weeks. It was truly an amazing trip. We were specifically helping out in an English Training Center. Basically, for two whole weeks, we simply made friends with Chinese students and hung out with them from morning ‘til night. They asked us questions varying from, “Do you have a boyfriend?” to “What do I do with evolution and creationism?” and more. The hunger for the knowledge of Christ was so constant in many of the students. For those who are wondering, it’s not illegal to be a Christian in China. It’s just illegal to share your faith for the purpose of converting people.  If the Chinese students brought it up and asked us questions, it was okay for us to answer. And ask questions, they did!

                Has God ever showed you that He’s got more work to do on you? I feel like that was partially what the China trip was about for me. From the beginning of the trip, our team leader, jokingly, but seriously, told us that our theme for the trip would be, “flexibility.” Boy, oh boy, was that prophetic.  From luggage mishaps to unplanned airport sleepovers to relentless rain, we had to be flexible. To be honest, before we left the U.S., I felt like I had really matured and come a long way in my faith over the last few years. And I was really kind of proud of it. Over the course of the trip, I was tested in many areas. I found out that I haven’t conquered my quick-temper, or my judgmental attitude, or….well, the list goes on.  I feel quite humbled. God used this trip to show me that although I have come a long way, I’m not all the way there yet…not even in a few things. I think the problem was that I was taking credit for the things He was doing in me. God is the one who has been helping me conquer all these areas of weakness. Without Him, I would never have gotten as far as I have. That’s a truth I need to remember, forever and always. I am so thankful that He would love the mess that I am and continue to mold me. When I get out of line, He has to remold me, maybe even take a glob of clay out. One of the facts that amazes me is that even though it hurts when He has to get me back in line, it’s so good in the end.

                Lately, God has been placing Psalm 37:4 on my heart, “Take delight in the Lord and He will give you your heart’s desires.” I know what He is speaking to. What I am struggling with is putting some of my desires down and just focusing on and delighting in my relationship with Him. I am trusting that He will help me do this. I want His desires to be my desires. What could be better than that? To be given the desires of God’s own heart, can you imagine how fulfilling and amazing that is?  

He’s such a good, loving God. So full of wisdom and knowledge and power. I am so thankful He chose me to be His daughter and bride. This summer is going to be good. J

Winter is Gone?

This winter has been a weird one as it has not been very cold nor have we seen very much snow. Although the groundhog said we would have six more weeks of winter, I think he's wrong. I can't really complain as it's been nice to not need to wear fifty layers while on recess duty. My students seem to have contracted spring fever about two weeks ago. Kids are a really good indicator of weather changes, so I am inclined to believe that spring has probably begun to arrive.

Student teaching has been a lot of fun. I have really enjoyed not having to do the usual busy work for school. Instead, I have been able to focus on my students' needs and learn things about teaching that can only be learned on the job. Classroom management tends to be an area of weakness for most new teachers, and I am no exception. Really believing that you are in charge of a classroom goes a long way. Also, figuring out what works for one student and what will work for the next keeps me continually on my toes. I come home exhausted, but I love each and every one of my kiddos.

In other news, I will be going to Northern Asia for two weeks this May. We have a team of about twenty going from Montana State University. We will be helping with conversational English classes at a university. We will also be hanging out at a cafe where students go to practice their English. These students love practicing their English with native-speakers and are full of questions about the United States. Not only is this a great opportunity to connect with another culture, but it will give me an opportunity to see if that is where I want to work after graduation. At any given time, the organization we will be working with has over 1,000 openings for native-English speakers to teach English.

The time is going to fly and I will finish school before I know it. Hello, World!